This past year has been what I have labelled “Love in the Time of Disappointments” (thank you, Marquez!).
As I sit here writing this, I sense another disappointment looming on the relationship horizon.
I met a man a couple of weeks ago who really twanged my wire. Not just that I found him superficially attractive, but that we talked easily, laughed a lot, had seemingly large tracts of ground in common and had really connected sex. In between a couple of delightful dates, we have bantered by text, had the odd phone call, and generally kept in contact. But the past few days have been eerily silent. From getting some kind of text from him almost every day, I’ve gone to the sound of crickets and the sight of tumbleweed blowing down a deserted street. Cue Woody Guthrie.
Due to evidence of his still being alive and dating, I have come to the sensible conclusion that he’s just not that into me. And I’m hurt. Not surprisingly.
Now I can get into all sorts of weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth over this (and I no doubt will), but what I keep trying to do is figure out what the hell I am dong wrong.
By “doing wrong” I don’t mean “am I too fat, too loud, too pushy, too smart”. I’m not talking about molding myself to the desires of a man just so he won’t abandon me. I’m trying to work out what I’m doing wrong to continually find myself in these mystifyingly disappointing situations. And I guess number one on the list of basic errors, is meeting guys from a dating site that purports to be mostly about sex. Although, let’s face it: most of the dating sites, despite their claims otherwise, are basically about sex. It’s not that I subscribe totally to the idea that sex needs to be held off until he’s put a ring on it.More that I still make the mistake of thinking that I COULD meet somebody in a casual arena and yet it turn into something more. But as I’ve mentioned previously, I don’t think this is something that men are easily able to do. They categorize their relationships much more quickly, and more permanently, than most women do. Once a casual shag; always a casual shag.
So when you are two ships casually shagging in the night (not my most poetic image, but it’s late and I’m tired…), you operate within a certain arena. We met within a casual context; I get that. He’s had other dates since we met; so have I, although they were only with men I met prior to him. Since meeting him, I have somewhat lost interest in connecting with anyone new. I mean, how much casual sex/dating, with diverse partners, does any one person really need??? But he seems quite happy to just flit about from woman to woman, while I am feeling attracted to him to the point where I don’t wish to be just one in the harem. I’ve got no issue with open relationships…in fact I prefer them. But that’s when I am in a solid, primary relationship, where I know that I come first. With this guy, I am not even sure if I’m second, third, tenth or eighty-fifth. The context being what it is, I know I have no traction to jump up and down and demand emotional tenure. I just foolishly thought that my girlish charms might have won him over.
Sure, he might give me a call in a week or so. But by then it will be abundantly clear that I am nothing special to him. That the pull I feel towards him is not reciprocated.
Maybe, had we met at a different time in both our emotional/sexual lives, things may have been different. But he is where he is at; as am I. And I need to go into the room of mirrors and take a good, hard look at my dating behaviour and make some tough decisions.
Watch this space…