Men are confused: allow me to clarify matters for them.



As a proud, card-carrying feminist, the plaintive bleats of men about how confusing the modern woman is, cut little ice.

But I will admit that the contemporary, Western, dating scene is a mine-field, at least for straight people of either gender. (LGBT readers, I’d love to hear from your side of the fence!).

And those of you who are my dear and valued followers will know that poor social skills figure large in my writing. So I thought, rather than do more finger-pointing, I would write a brief guide to those chaps out there who can’t understand why they are not inundated by willing women.

The fact that she is on a dating site doesn’t mean that she is for sale, or that she is shopping 

Just like in the days of yore, you still have to, at least FEIGN some interest in her. Ask her questions, and not just about her sexual proclivities. Give her a compliment about her photos and/or her profile. Don’t just tell her you’re “D & D free” and “up for just about anything”. Because about 95% of guys say EXACTLY the same thing. You can’t just advertise yourself like a cheap car and hope that someone will call up and make you an offer. Dating, and even casual sex, by their very nature, require some human interaction. So if you can’t hold a basic conversation, electronically or in person, then go open an account at a brothel.

Any idiot can tie someone to the bed-post: that doesn’t make it bondage

BDSM is a psychological game. A woman who is interested in this form of play needs to connect in a very special way, with anyone who is going to dominate her. You cannot meet up for a drink and then offer to tie her up and spank her (unless she clearly states that is all she wants). If you are truly interested in bondage, then go to some classes and/or newbies events. Attend some parties and watch (respectfully). Don’t just rock up to a casual shag with some sisal and a couple of nipple clamps and then wonder why she’s not responding too positively.

Strong women usually want strong men.

A strong man isn’t bossy. But he knows what he wants, is confident enough to state it,  respectful enough, to ask what YOU want, and to be able to compromise. If you find that confusing, then I’d say your problem is not dating, but just adulting in general. For example, this is the kind of communication I often receive and which is guaranteed to make me go off my tits (not in a good way).

Bloke: Hey there. Would you like to catch up again?

Me: Sure. When were you thinking?

Bloke: Dunno…when are you free?

Me: This weekend is good, apart from Friday night.

Bloke: Ok…Saturday night could be good. Is your place ok?

Me: No. I have teenagers at home. 

Bloke: So where then? 

Me: Well what were you proposing? Dinner? A drink? Just a shag? 

Bloke: I guess we could have dinner if you wanted. 

etc, etc etc…



So, for the benefit of the slower among us, let me re-write that with a strong, male protagonist.

Watch and learn boys, watch and learn…

Strong bloke: Hi T. Lovely catching up with you the other night. Would you be interested in dinner and some hot sex this Saturday? I know a great Thai restaurant near my place.

Me: Sounds delightful. What time?

Strong bloke: How about 7.30? Would you like me to pick you up?

Me: Thanks for the kind offer. I’ll drive myself. Shall I bring some champers for afterwards?

Strong bloke: Great! Looking forward to it. 

Now guess which guy wins the prize of a happy, bouncy, sexually generous woman on the end of his knob?

Hetero-flexible does not mean ” will bonk anything with a pulse”

I have had guys, who I have met once (not even shagged…just met), send me texts proposing a threesome with some woman I know nothing about. Do I REALLY have to point out to the confused men, why this is unacceptable? If a woman has stated she likes sex with strangers, that may be different. But I have never stated that. It’s like the assumption some people make that a gay guy will shag anything male. He is no more likely to do that than a straight guy will shag anything female.( Because we all know, despite their boasting, that this is just not the case!) This is about respect. If you’re interested in having an MFF with a flexible woman, then get to know her first, treat her decently, and then maybe suggest going out and meeting another woman for a drink, with no expectations. Yes, you’ll have to put some time and effort in. You poor thing.

“Into Swinging” also does not mean “will bonk anything at a party”

Swingers parties are not the free-for-alls that the uninitiated fantasize about. They are parties like any other. They require the same social skills and conversational effort. They require clear consent at all times. They require a mature response to a polite “no thanks”. Don’t rock up to a swingers scene and stand there waiting for some woman to fall onto your tumescent member. This is a bunch of real people, not some characters in a badly written erotic novel. And if you accompany a woman to one of these parties, then you will need to be an attentive companion: get her a drink, talk to her, ensure she is comfortable. So, more bad news from me: this one, too, requires time and effort.

One-night stands and “on-going casual sex” are two different things.

For background on this, see my last post “Casual sex is a commitment”. But in a nutshell, a one-night-stand is just that. Over and done with. Don’t text her four weeks later and ask if she’d like a repeat. If you have met a woman with whom you would like on-going casual sex, then keep in regular contact. A few texts a week and maybe one phone call. If she is a mature, self-aware woman, she won’t take this as precursor to marriage. If she is likely to do that, then don’t make contact again EVER. Perhaps, I may suggest at this juncture, that you actually make your intentions clear FROM THE START. I know…crazy idea, right??

A photograph of your cock is not sexy

Yes, very nice dear, you’ve got a penis. We know that. We know what they look like. And, devastating though this news may be, they mostly look alike. It’s like trying to sell a car (to return to my earlier metaphor) and just posting a photo of the tyres. Wow. A car with tyres. Gotta get me one of those babies! Women like photos of chests, tight buns, arms, pelvises (with the family jewels tantalizingly out of sight) and, dare I say it, faces. If you can’t post a face picture then there is still plenty to choose from from that list. The only time a woman really likes a cock shot, is when you are seeing her regularly and send her a random shot saying “thinking about you babe”. In which case, it had better be hard!!

If none of the above has UNconfused you, or, (heaven forbid), has made you more confused, then my respectful suggestion is that you keep away from the dating scene, stay home, make some pop-corn and subscribe to





4 thoughts on “Men are confused: allow me to clarify matters for them.

  1. Your personal opinion is obviously well tuned… enjoy your single life.

    Any bloke reading this has “been there, done that”. I was of the understanding that the information contained herein may contain something unexpected… disappointed doesn’t cover it.

    I’ve had far more fun (one night stands included), finding ladies that could think and act for themselves.

  2. Another brilliant post, Tracey! So glad I’m out of the dating scene. The only trouble (giving clueless guys this info) is they may act on it, and give the recipient illusions of sincerity.

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