There’s truism going around: “Women: don’t listen to what a man says; watch what he does.”
Now this is not bad advice. We should all be judged by our actions rather than our words. But I don’t think it gives the full story, and I think it gives women an out. Another excuse to blame the man rather than look at themselves.
I think we should very MUCH judge a man by what he says, but the trick is to HEAR IT PROPERLY. Everyone expresses themselves differently. There is no recommended phrase-book for any situation, let alone in dating. We don’t have standardized signals like many of our brethren in the animalia kingdom.
In my experience, men tend to express themselves simply and fairly clearly. Women tend to hear what they want to hear, and make massive assumptions. I know this, because I am a woman. So a man will say “X”, a woman will extrapolate that to mean “XYZ” and then will be found a week later sobbing to her girlfriends because “that bastard never delivered on Y or X”.
So in the interests of smoother dating, I have gathered together some of the more common situations which give rise to this easily preventable, communication glitch.
HE SAYS “I’ll call you”
SHE HEARS I will contact you, via telephone, within the next two days, to organize dinner for the end of the week.
HE MEANS I like this woman enough to probably give her a late-night booty call at some stage in the next three months.
SHE CRIES: The bastard never called. I hate men. I hate myself. What’s wrong with me?
HE SAYS “I don’t want a relationship”
SHE HEARS: I need a good woman to show me what I am missing out on.
HE MEANS: I want the nice bits of having a relationship, without having to put in any emotional work or feeling committed.
SHE CRIES That bastard has just used me and spat me out, and now when I need him he is just not there for me emotionally.
HE SAYS (whilst fucking) “I love you”.
SHE HEARS: You are my lover, my friend, my soul-mate and I can’t live without you.
HE MEANS: I love fucking. I’m fucking you. Therefore, I love you.
SHE CRIES He was just using me for sex.
HE SAYS “I like quiet nights at home”.
SHE HEARS: Dinner by candle-light, make-out music, good wine, slow, sensual, kisses over port.
HE MEANS: Sitting on the sofa in front of the TV.
SHE CRIES Oh my god, he is so boring. He never wants to go anywhere.
And so forth…
Of course it happens all the time in many communications, not just those along male/female lines, or in the dating arena. We all extrapolate; embroider; hear what we want to hear,
So by all means judge people by their actions and not their words. But why don’t we also try really LISTENING to the words?
Just a suggestion!