I’ve just glanced at my last post. As of then, I was sober. As of now, I am not. As of now, I am struggling with my addiction to dating sites, to men, to male attention and to sex. The struggle made even more complex by the fact that I really would like a partner in my life. I would like to be able to make a committed, thoughtful decision, to love someone. For now, I must just admit the struggle, hand it over, and be willing to be willing.
This has been a huge year for me. For the first time, I found myself, whilst working full-time, being fully present in my work and gaining an enormous amount of satisfaction out of doing something that was never “my first choice”. It also saw my daughter start to mellow towards me and for me to grasp her with open arms. Lord, may I never take either of my children for granted again, if I ever did. This year has seen my longest, voluntary, period of sobriety in my adult life. It was a rich and serene time, and a time in which I discovered things about myself sexually as well as spiritually. Funny how much you can learn about yourself when it’s just you and your higher power, and your not concerned about the actions/opinions/feelings of THE OTHER.
This year has also seen the gradual disintegration of my father, become more obvious. And I have had to deal with how angry I am. Not angry at the situation, but actually angry at him. Then there is my mother’s continual descent into alcoholism, helped in no small part, I am sure, by my father’s disappearance into cuckoo-land.
So I sit here now to take stock. I am alone in my house, and quite grateful for that. My daughter is with her father, but is spending more time with me. I am grateful for that. My son is out with his friends, and I am very grateful that he is doing that, but also worried sick, as he is now in that demographic of “male youth”. So many ways to get hurt…
I am unemployed, but hopeful. I am alone, but not lonely. I am unsober, but not beyond repair. I am alert, but not alarmed.
I am alive.
Shalom and blessings to all of you.