Many of you will recognize the title of this post as the name of a current film. I went to see this particular movie today, and I related to it on such a visceral level, that it has knocked me out of my bloggers-block.
This film explores sex addiction, and I am a sex and love addict.
Of course the more astute among you may have picked this up through my posts, subtlety not being my strong suit. But I wish to publicly breach my own anonymity and lay it all bare. So to speak.
One of the reasons I have been a fairly quiet blogger of late, is that I have gone off the dating sites as part of my sobriety. If you know one addict, you know them all, but we all have differing drugs of choice. Even within sex and love addiction. For instance, I was never interested in porn. But I was like a junkie in a poppy field when it came to dating sites. I think my record, last year, was around 50 dates. I will not appall you further by admitting how many of those were consummated.
I, just like Pink’s character in the film, struggle in relating to men in any way that isn’t sexual. I do have many male friends, but they are either gay, or much younger than me, so I can put them in the non-sexual category quite easily. Otherwise, it’s open season.
This addiction is, like any process addiction, more messy to unravel than a substance addiction, because it is often hard to isolate the drug(s) of choice. And, like food, it is not something you can, or should want, to give up completely, as you can with alcohol or smack or dope.
So the on-line dating had to go. Sitting up till ridiculous hours (as I am in writing this post…) chatting on line to someone I have zip in common with, then feeling gutted when they don’t recontact me. Meeting man after man for coffee, to the point that I recently was introduced to someone by a mutual friend and he recognized me. Apparently we had been on a date. Not that long ago. His face was vaguely familiar, but I didn’t remember his name, or anything about him, or anything about our date. I was ashamed and horrified that it had got to that point. I was one of “THOSE GUYS” that treat a dating site like a warehouse.
The last three months have been fairly grief-laden. Sobriety is not just about giving something up. It also BRINGS things up. Those nasty, demony things that the addiction has been doing a very nice job of keeping at bay thank you very much. And as I also gave up smoking at the same time, I am struggling quite a bit. (which is polite, 12 step code for “thisisbullshitandIhatemylife”)
As I write this, I am setting down my next two bottom-lines: 1) no more public declarations (other than on this blog), or comments, about love, sex, dating or anything along those lines. 2) No more introducing sex into the conversation with a man. Or, to be more specific, no more manipulating the conversation so as to get HIM to introduce sex into the conversation. These might not seem like big issues in the scheme of things, but they are a huge part of my addiction. I simply don’t believe that I am attractive to men, unless I am sexual. I still can’t quite see the point of a really beautiful, probably very sexy, dress, if it doesn’t have a plunging neckline. Because I don’t regard myself as a physically beautiful woman, but I have large breasts, I have to display them in order to feel attractive. It is also very clear advertising of my services. And I don’t say that lightly.
I want a loving relationship with someone. A relationship that is truly intimate, that is filled with laughter, and creativity and…yes…sex. Loving sex, kinky sex, silly sex, spontaneous sex. As long as it’s intimate. Truly intimate.
And that is someone I have only had brief glimpses of in my addicted whirlwind of a private life.
I wish all my fellow addicts good luck on your journey.