Respect can be earned
and even friendship, perhaps
but love cannot.
Try as I might.
Love is granted haphazardly
and so often to those
those lucky enough to be born beautiful
they receive the emotional bets
of gamblers such as you.
Hooked on the adrenalin rush
they pour their meager coins
into slots they know
rarely pay out
and if they do hit the jackpot
in their frenzy of joy
they do not look back
and see how much they have lost
along the way
those funds that could have been
in the dull bank account
of my comfortable
Most dating sites have some space in which you are meant to state clearly and categorically “what you are seeking”. Somewhat like a wish-list. And this is how many people treat it. The warehouse mentality kicks in, and models that are too fat, too quiet, too poor, too needy, are sent back for a better model. And women do this as much as the men.
Why are we often so clear about “the sort of person” we are looking for, but really vague about “the sort of relationship” we are looking for. Surely working out the latter first would lead us more naturally to working out the former?
But here is the rub: I don’t think most of us know what we are looking for, in the person or in the relationship. I give as exhibit A the vague terms used. “Long-term relationship” “Discrete fun” “My soul-mate”. These phrases tell me nothing.
Add to this the problem of people thinking they know what they want, when the don’t. And I would posit that this is the majority of us. I have lost count of the amount of men I have met who have declared that they are looking for their next “life partner” and are not interested in casual sex. UNTIL IT’S OFFERED TO THEM. Then suddenly they are very interested! Or the opposite of course. They boldly claim they only want some fun, and then they get clingy and jealous and needy.
I recently met Luke. An attractive, witty, seemingly intelligent and cultured fellow. There was an obvious, superficial attraction between us, and he asked me to come and spend a couple of nights with him at his house, which is located in a popular sea-side town, three hours drive from where I live. I hesitated not one nano-second and made arrangements accordingly.
A week later I arrived at the lovely home of the (I thought), lovely man. Dinner was cooked and eaten, champagne drunk, conversation flowed…although I began to notice that it was a little one-sided. And it wasn’t MY side. Sex was had that night. Nothing earth-shattering, but nothing to grumble about either. Well, HE didn’t have anything to grumble about.The next day, just gradually through the morning, I sensed a cooling. He took me for a walk around the town and talked non-stop about himself. I would try to add the odd comment, but to no avail. We returned to his love-shack, and under the influence of gin, he informed me that I had been “trying to one-up” him all day. Stunned. That’s what I was. Stunned. The temperature dropped rapidly after that and he made it fairly clear that he wished I would go. Had it not been dark and such a long drive, I would have. That second night I slept in the guest room. We said our polite “good-byes” the next day and, surprise, surprise, I have not heard from him since. Not even a text to see that I had got home safely.
This man had thought that he wanted a couple of days of my company. Was quite possibly seeing me as a regular companion. But what he ended up wanting was a one-nighter, which he got, but was then lumbered with playing mien host to a woman he clearly had no intentions of seeing again. So I wasted time and petrol and was left feeling humiliated and angry. His confusion I am prepared to tolerate. His rudeness I am not.
So, men and women of the dating world. Can we all think clearly about what we want? Don’t just scribble something down with a “let’s-see-how-it-goes” attitude. Flexibility and openness are wonderful, but not when they spill into indecision and vacillation. Think about what the OBJECT of your interests might be expecting of you, based on your own declaration of desire.
I propose a new, more honest, list of options under “what are you seeking”.
* Distraction from the loneliness which is caused by the emptiness of my inner life
* A panacea to my failing marriage, so I can pretend that it’s all wonderful except for the fact that she doesn’t want sex any more and I don’t want to find out why
* Affirmation that I am still a man
* A fantasy bubble in which I can relive the youth I think I had but didn’t really
* An attractive excuse for not doing anything with my life
* A busty cheer-squad so that I can continue to bathe in the glow of my self-importance unhindered by reality
* A minder who can keep me from going into the room of mirrors
* Just somewhere to park my dick
I think most men will find something from this list that will satisfy them
Let us all hope we can find something to satisfy us. And if we spent more time working out exactly what that was, we would have a much better chance of finding it!