THIS POST CONTAINS MATERIAL OF AN ADULT NATURE, INCLUDING STRONG LANGUAGE. DO NOT CONTINUE READING IF YOU ARE UNDER 18.
I met him on oasis, one night when I was trawling
His story seemed of interest, though his photo was appalling
We used the online feature, to swap our information
l liked his chat which wasn’t just
The usual formulation
We met for coffee, 2 weeks in
Down Brighton, at a caff
I thought he was quite dishy, even if his pants were naff
He said he like my backside
Which he eyed up as I strode
My curves, my tits, were all admired
That day on jetty road
I said I had a 5 date rule, no sexy-time till then
He respected that, but me?
DATE TWO…I jumped him..again and again
I watched him para-gliding, it wasn’t quite my thing
He came to functions
Quite diverse, he even heard me sing
He said yes to everything, he loved that I was arty
We went to dinners, concerts, gigs
And even a Robbie burns party
He said that I was wonderful and sought co-habitation
But now I realise words like that, were just some masturbation
As soon as it got difficult, and talking was required
He went all cold, and made it clear
That I was not desired
At first I thought this man, at last, would change my luck
But would he stick around and work together?
Would he fuck!
He went off for a holiday for ten days, up in Bali
For all the love I got from him, he could have been in Mali
He emailed me, on his return to say “let’s call it quits”
No with your leave or by your leave or “coor you’ve got great tits”
I was sad and hurt of course, I really was in shock
I took deep breaths and fought the urge to say
“I hate you and you’ve got a small cock”
I let him go, and I remained dignified and calm
I know one day that he will miss me and my feminine charm
But two days later back he was, profile on oasis
I know I shouldn’t judge him, simply on that basis `
Like many men it might be that he just enjoys the hunt
But girls stay away from “Bionicpg”:status, single. Profession: cunt.
The time has come, gentle reader, for me to use this forum to get some pet peeves off my shoulders and onto the screen. Peeves, many of which, I am sure I share with you. I have made my list, in no particular order:
1. Men who are on dating sites but do not (apparently), have time to date.
2. Men on dating sites who don’t have time to date, but do have time to fuck.
3. Married men who do not have time to date, or have an affair, or even chat much (because SHE might walk in)…what the hell are they after????
4. Married men who want me to be their soft landing out of the marriage.
5. Men who send contact requests and then don’t make any contact.
6. Ostensibly grown-up men who have few, or no, social skills i.e. talk about themselves non-stop, fail to ask you anything about yourself, forget your name, expect the first date to be at your house, don’t say please or thank-you, give you unsolicited advice or invite you to their house and then sit there watching television.
7. Men who act as though you should be grateful that they have given you any of their precious time.
8. Men who “don’t have time to read” but seem to have endless time to watch television or go fishing.
9. Men who, when you have accepted an invitation out, enquire as to whether that will fit in with your parenting duties. I’ve accepted your invitation. Your business is dating me. My children are MY business.
10. Men who either lie about their age, or go on and on about how they look and/or act and/or feel, much younger than their age. If I want someone who looks and acts 38 I will date a 38-year-old. If I am dating a 55-year-old, I want a 55-year-old. Not a quasi-juvenile. Put the baseball cap down!!!
11. Men who specify dress-size. Aside from the fact that most men have no idea what a size 16 looks like, or a size 10, this is an appalling objectification. It is a dating site, not a modelling agency. I will start putting cock-size requirements up and see what reaction I get!
12. Men who open the conversation with highly personal questions, which give the impression that they think sex is a foregone conclusion. What am I like in bed? I don’t know…do you want references??
13. Men who claim they’re in an open relationship. They just haven’t told their wives yet.
14. Men who claim they have post-graduate qualifications when what they mean is they have a trade certificate.
15. Men who are separated but still living under the same roof as their wives. Far be it from me to state the obvious, but if you are still living with her, YOU ARE NOT SEPARATED.
16. Men who list interests that are things they would like to do, or have done in the past, or sometimes contemplate, or think that women like you to do, but not actually things they do. Also, beer and BBQs are not hobbies or interests. They are fun things you do when there is nothing else to do.
17. The constant cry from most men that they like “cuddling on the sofa”. No they don’t. They hate it. Maybe I should get out more but I have yet to meet a man who likes cuddling on the sofa. Having you near-by, maybe, but not wrapped round him. Which, boys, is what “cuddling” means.
18. The other dating-site constant “romantic nights at home”. Ask any of them to define romantic, and they wouldn’t have a clue. Do they have images of candles, dinner, fine wine, music? No they do not. By “romantic night at home” what they mean is any night, not spent going out, that ends in a fuck.
19. Men who are not prepared to put any work into dating. No thought. No effort. No swallowing of pride or fear. They just expect the woman of their dreams to land in their lap, beer in hand, accepting him and all his foibles and vowing to love him always.
20. Men who actually manage to get 19, fail to recognize it, and then let it go.
What is a girl to do?